Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Cut

Believe me, a glass in the kitchen and I have to contend with the tempting shards.
I can see the neat line of cuts up and down my arm, see the blood spilling over, feel the smart of pain. The only thing stopping me is the disapproval of others—if I had my way, I’d be cut 100 xs. I remember in High School, when I played competitive tennis, the welcome sting of my wrists every time I flexed for a backhand or overhead: the constant, painful reminder of how I hurt. Now? It’s a matter of who I hurt: Christopher, the kids, my doctors. But what I really long to do is tear into my arms. All I’m doing is delaying the inevitable.

Inevitable. My arms cut up and open. Where I’m headed. No point in pretending I don’t hurt. No point in pretending I’m not crazy because that I how I feel. Utterly outside myself. Trying to BE cheerful and happy and together and organized and stable. But. But. But. All a pretense. Trying, trying to be present, to be seen as stable, to be a good mom, a good wife, a good friend, a good human being.

What can I do? Feign good health, good humor? If I can pretend balance, maybe I will achieve balance. All of it bullshit? Necessary lies?

3 comments:

  1. Oh, Kerry.

    "Faking It/Not Really Making It...," as Paul Simon used to tell us. We're all faking it, if that is any consolation whatsoever.

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  2. I know the feeling all to well.

    Fake it till you make is what I find myself saying often.

    But I hear you.

    Go tell Chris how you feel, try and reach out, as hard as it is. And I do know it is so very hard. Reaching out to my husband is often the very last thing I want to do. Often his words are not the right words but when I do "IT" loses part of the control.

    Good job for coming here and posting. Sounds Odd I know but that my dear is progress. :-)
    Tracy

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  3. Kerry,

    Find what it is in your current environment that keeps restimulating the old thoughts, the old habits.

    Whatever you do, please survive. You'll be glad you do. Go for what's good.

    I know there's a fine balance between making an effort to be sociable, pleasant and being honest about your feelings when you need help.

    Whatever is restimulating the old thoughts may lead you to the root of the old wound in your psyche. Maybe your counselors can help you follow that line of thinking. I know I always felt at my worst when I was getting close to the truth of things.

    I will keep you in my thoughts.

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